The art of setting and sustaining boundaries in relationships is an important leadership skill to be cultivated.
Whether it is boundaries at work, between you and your team or peers, or at home it includes:
- How we communicate
- How do we make requests
- How do we get work done
Contents
Our relationship with boundaries
Do you identify with any or some of these?
- I am often pleasing others.
- I am fine with others making choices for me – this is how it is most often!
- I feel bad when someone responds to me with a no.
- I give a lot in relationships – sometimes more than I can afford!
- I wish others did what I needed without always asking them.
- I think it is absolutely OK that others accept my ideas because they are mostly good.
- I don’t normally protest when others treat me poorly.
The question to ponder is – how come we develop difficulties in setting boundaries?
I share 2 examples from a personal development group I ran a few years ago.
Example 1: A client named Priya grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and a mother who used to work. As a child and a young teenager, Priya would often witness great scenes of violence. Her father would scream, yell, and throw things at her mother. In such scenarios, Priya was often at a loss not knowing what to do. , She shared she didn’t have the time to do her homework or play because she was required to take care of other things at home. After all, her mother would be unwell. Very early in life, Priya morphed into an extremely helpful person, who would either withdraw into her room or try to pacify her mom by saying nice things. She offered to do all the chores so that her mom was not hassled. She made sure she wasn’t seen by her father.
In this way, Priya developed a way of melting into the environment and being unseen or she developed the ways of being of service to her mom by becoming a caretaker.
Example 2: Dinesh’s circumstances were very different. His father died when he was around 12 or 13 years, all of a sudden. This left his mother in much grief and lots of anger. Anger because of the situation his father had left them in – lots of debts. His mother changed into a very bitter angry person due to this. She took to being irritable and upset most of the time, indulging in quarrels with relatives and neighbors. In the process, the mother became over-reliant on Dinesh for doing things in the house. He ended up taking and absorbing much of the emotional charge when he was around his mother. Dinesh ended up growing up too soon, too quickly and turned into a decision-making adult early on.
When I met him he was already leading a team and calling the shots. But he was so demanding from all every time. He would drive people around him relentlessly aiming to get things done.
You may find it helpful: How do Core Patterns Influence How we Lead?
The Genesis of Boundary Problems
Difficulty in establishing boundaries develops when as children:
- Our needs are not met or our needs are hijacked by the adults in the family.
- The child’s needs are deemed as not important and are pushed to the back burner.
- Unacknowledged needs often result in the child getting positive strokes because they do not demand any attention for themselves.
- Appreciation pours in for an overly compliant child.
Psychology terms the above as an individuation process where there are needs but they remain unexpressed. It is not uncommon for many cultures to disallow the individuation process.
When we grow up in environments and cultures like these we think:
- Boundaries don’t matter.
- Worth is achieved through being of use – HELPERS
- Some of us are quiet and comply – PLEASERS
- Some of us turn into bullies who demand – TAKERS
The Drama Triangle
Stephen B.Karpman, a Transactional Analyst teacher proposed a social model of human interaction called the Drama Triangle.
This triangle maps a type of destructive interaction that can occur between people. It defines the unconscious roles people take on and can switch between during stressful, emotional, and high-conflict situations.
An important connection ensues between the positions in the drama triangle and boundaries. Our relationships and our communication with each other come from the three places described in the above triangle – persecutor, victim, and rescuer.
1. Persecutor
Persecutors are very demanding, seem to know what is best for all, and often discount the value of others and their words. With this attitude, they get into other people’s boundaries without caring to imagine the damage their actions and speech could create.
In the overall sense, a persecutor gets into fights, arguments, and conflicts easily when we engage in this way.
To move out of being a persecutor
If we identify ourselves as a persecutor causing conflicts, it is helpful to consciously practice:
- Ask yourself – could the others’ view be valid too?
- Become aware of where you might be functioning with rigidity.
- Set clear guidelines for how you will respect and speak to others.
- Be willing and open to negotiate with others – their needs are important too!
- Ask questions to enquire with the other, rather than enforce your point of view.
- Listen with openness.
Dinesh in the above example was a Persecutor primarily. He Persecuted others with his angry demands and intolerance.
Through the self-awareness he got in the group and feedback from other group members, he realized he needed to pull back and change his approach.
He began negotiating with others and understanding their needs. He changed his tone and language while speaking to his team.
2. Victim
Picture this when we are asked to do something, we actually want to rest. But, we have a difficulty in saying no. The constant need to please others overrides our own needs.
Being in a victim position makes us feel small, and have an overwhelming reluctance to put our needs before others. We are constantly in a state of turmoil unable to respond with what we desire.
Try these to shift out of the victim mentality:
- Start thinking about your boundaries with others. Are they too flexible and fragile?
- Ask yourself how to get what you need.
- Value your needs as important. Tell the other to stop being hurtful.
- Put an end to a toxic relationship especially if putting boundaries did not work.
- Learn skills in expressing yourself clearly and directly.
Priya in the example above primarily played the victim. She realized that all she did was serve others while ignoring herself and what she needed. She made time for herself to attend to what she required to grow herself, rest, and fulfill her needs.
3. Rescuer
The ever-helpful, ever-willing to be of support & who jumps in even when not asked is the rescuer. They bring their value to situations even when it is not required. They infiltrate the boundary of the other by assuming the other person is not capable of helping themselves. The rescuer moves into the boundary discounting the ability of the other person and assuming responsibility for the other person’s choices.
To stop being a rescuer adopt these practices:
- Acknowledge and respect the other’s responsibility for their own life and their choices.
- Respect the other’s capability and personal resources – their thinking is valid too.
- Offer help when asked and if you are willing at that time to help.
- Ask yourself if you were trying to get something for yourself by rescuing, and find direct ways to get your needs met.
We all go into all the corners of the drama triangle in different situations and different relationships. But more often than not we play into one particular corner of the triangle.
It is useful to think about our unmet needs and the situation that we are in. Acknowledging that our needs are equally important puts us into a clear course of action.
Managing boundaries is very much about respecting each other, being aware, and stepping back when needed.
Conclusion
By developing self-awareness, seeing through patterns & being responsible over a period of time the drama triangle can be converted to a winner’s triangle. The winner’s triangle is a win-win situation for everyone involved.
The above image is reflective of how the drama triangle is converted into a winner’s triangle. Here:
| Persecutor To Assertive | Victim To Vulnerable | Rescuer To Nurturing |
| Asks for what the other person wants. | Uses their thinking for problem-solving. | Trust that the other person has their answers. |
| Flexible to get their needs met. | Actions for taking care of themselves. | Genuinely listens to the other person without indulging in problem-solving. |
| Does not punish or make the other person wrong. | Uses emotions and feelings for developing self-awareness. | Doing as much as necessary of what is asked of them. |
Are you ready to set clear boundaries for yourself and sustain them? What steps are you going to take, I would love to hear about them.
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